Tip Of The Hat, Wag Of The Flipper: Stelephant Colbert Speaks

Stelephant Colbert at UC Santa Cruz Long Marine Lab -- TONIGHT! Stephen Colbert devotes a segment to your very own Stelephant Colbert. And seagulls thought elephant seals couldn’t get any bigger. Next, I provide you a teaser into my captivating life. Don’t blink - HA! - now you have sand in your eyes! Then, an irresistible force comes on the show to argue a point. This immovable object can’t wait for the ensuing philosophical battle.

It’s common wisdom that man should not build a house on the sand, but the Bible never said anything about elephant seals. This, is the (Stelephant) Colbert Report!

Nation, welcome back to the Report. Unless you’ve been out at sea, living under a rock or pretending to be one, then you must have felt the Earth shake beneath your feet this past Thursday. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I was not charging at you (again.) Besides, I call that aggressive hugging. No, on Thursday the Fifth of February 2009 Anno Domini, history was made, and I, Stelephant Colbert, was featured on the actual Colbert Report! I was their entrée, or pièce de résistance in the original French (the accents to me are like fierce eyebrows.) It was a long and treacherous battle against other worthy subject material for the Report, the biggest being “actual news”, but we Miroungans prevailed and Año Nuevo’s native son became part of the first truly HD segment in television history (HD = High Density.)


A weighty encounter indeed.

But Nation, I must tell you the truthiness about my reaction to the show. While I will never tire of seeing my face on television, the rhetoric used to characterize my visage, normally revolving around “perfection”, was tainted with foul play by the Colbert team. At first I felt that perhaps Colbert was misreading his prompter ("There's no words there!".) Sometimes I too have a hard time realizing my own awesomeness, and I will commonly speak antithetically about myself, if only to show how humble I am to everyone around me. But after prolonged jeers from my American idol, my feelings hurt and my cheeks wet (from ocean spray I swear!), I realized the terrible truth of the matter: Colbert is another peon in the Liberal Beta Male agenda.

Don't be fooled, those are tears of pure aggression. Photo: Daniel Costa
I choose to believe that he was under the mind control of their evil forces; perhaps prolonged exposure to Jon Sealwart allowed for Obama-spores to imbed themselves within Colbert’s vocal chords. Or perhaps repeated contact with the Liberal Media’s bailout coverage caused a fungus to develop in his brain that made him abandon all reason because of this economic downturn (Mad-Dow disease.) The seeds of post-modern jealousy are insidious pathogens; how else can we explain Colbert’s gag reflex being triggered throughout the piece?


Clearly visible is the gullet of socialist subsidy living in Colbert's once perfect throat. 

I pray his soul felt this treacherous slight against his seal-mate. But alas, he was not strong enough to control the influence of the un-American spirit embedded in his flesh, hidden as a small sporophyte hurtling insults at God’s cherished creation. It was a sad day, folks, but we cannot mourn his loss to the Anti-Alpha Agenda. Nation, Colbert was weak, and with this in (a spongy) mind we cannot hold him responsible for the slander we heard that evening. Knowing that he was not himself, I now want to thank my sapiens namesake for his kind words. Never before have “hideous”, “disgusting” and “vile” meant “the physical incarnation of divine beauty”, and only Stephen Colbert, DFA, could have redefined them in under 2 minutes (Webster’s, are you writing this down?)

Who could hate this face, really? Ladies, that's a two eyed extended wink for you. Photo: Lauren Randall
And by the way, I haven’t been on a treadmill for a long time because there aren’t any in existence that can support my weight; the same weight that I do regular pushups with, which is heavier than your car (and ego). I’m very sensitive about that, OK? I’m telling mom.

Sharks find me quite appetizing, for your information. And yes, I can lick my nose, can you? Huh? Photo: Lauren Randall
But folks, I’ve just been told of some terrific news. You see, when someone gets in my face (a nose this big does encourage this), I tend to shrug it off lightly by beating the offender into submission. Well, this time I’ve taken it one step further. Yes Nation, I, Stelephant Colbert, am officially an Alpha Male! All that is left is to become Omega (do any of you have self help books towards becoming omnipotent?), but folks, victory is ours (and by ours I mean mine.) So Colbert, how bout them apples? 


Alpha Status Baby! Cover Shot! Photo: Nicole Marie Teutschel 

Nation, let us shift gears now, or for the true Americans, stay in automatic. In the last few days, I’ve seen an exponential increase in my popular girth, much akin to the weight I gain by simply looking at food. In the words of Colbert, even the stimulus package’s pork is having a difficult time keeping up with my mass. Folk, all of your praise and adoration has carved a soft spot inside of my seal (is this… love?), and I must say that I am moved (with the proper pulley system) by the support you’ve shown. Though I understand you are compelled to praise me by the sheer logical necessity of it, I still choose to take it all in at face value, which is the currency on the beach when you have noses this big (Stelephant’s face value adjusted for inflation:  $2.)

But folks, I must urge you all not to rest on our laurels. I did this last night and they were flattened into oblivion. Now is the time to push forward and drive the science of my awesome home. The Liberal Beta-Male Media is still belching, burping and bumping its way across the beach (much like the Coca Cola raft’s personnel at the Macy’s parade.) Their sphere of influence is spreading, creating a zone of un-American spirit around their harems, akin to the no-man’s land around a researcher back at the lab after a day in the field (Jeez Cory, take a shower already.)


 The only stretch of beach with some decency at Año Nuevo. Photo: Nicole Marie Teutschel
To counter this movement, I feel it necessary to show you the real values of e-seal kind, and how engaging a (true) seal can be. Behold, “the Captivating Life of Stelephant Colbert” (teaser). Be sure to enjoy it in HD:


Note that the video has been edited to a minute to spare you more heart stopping, jaw dropping, coffee-on-khaki spilling action. The meatiest part of the film (me) has been saved for an untitled collaboration between myself, Stephen Spielberg and Mark Narwhalberg, titled “Mass Impact 2: Proboscis Battles.” More details later, that short sprint had me winded.

For now, be sure to follow up my on fellow seals on the (St-) Elephant Seal Homecoming Days page, and now on Ocean in Google Earth! Yes, ever since Google decided to acknowledge the two-thirds of the planet that it had previously ignored in its “Earth” application (ending centuries of geographism), you can now see my awesomeness from space (officially):


I hear you can see Russia from there too.

The opinions expressed by Stelephant T. Colbert are his copyright, and all political and societal references expressed above are the sole property of Stelephant T. Colbert, and are not shared by TOPP.org, their affiliates, and invertebrates (like Jon Sealwart).


Again, I love these articles! Please post more, I never tire of reading them! =)

very funny!

Aloha Patrick, this is Erin Pickett's mom writing. I've been following this website since Erin turned us onto it and I must say your Colbert articles are as damn funny as the show is! I swear I could be watching the man himself when I read your stuff. Congratulations to you all for the attention you've brought your cause.

Katie Pickett