Patrick Webster at UC Santa Cruz Long Marine Lab, CA--TONIGHT, I, Stelephant Colbert, have returned to the North Point at Año Nuevo State Reserve in Northern California. The Liberal Beta-Male Media doesn’t know what hit it! Next, I will set about reforming the broken harem system within the next hundred days. Look out FDR, my New Deal will shake up America, mostly because I’ve been feeding for the past 6 months. And later, I confront Alby Lockwing, an albatross spokesbird claiming that elephant seals should adopt monogamy. Well I only have one love, Alby, and that’s of myself.
All for one and one for all. A better expression for my family life has never been found. This, is the Colbert Report!
GREAAAGGHHHH* (* Nation) Welcome to the Report. It’s been a while since we last spoke, and we grew distant. Sure, migrating a few thousand miles along the American coast will do that to you, but I’m back as a part of the 2nd annual Elephant Seal Homecoming Days with TOPP.org. And it’s about time, folks, because things have gotten clean around here, and I’m here to muddy this beach up (Just add water).
As you know, there’s a war going on, a war that only an American Beachmeister (German for Colbert) can wage. As a large and in charge alpha-male elephant seal chosen by Tagging of Pacific Predators, www.TOPP.org, I’ve donated my body to science to let them prove my sheer brilliance empirically, and this endeavor has attracted the jealousy and scorn of the Liberal Beta-Male Media. While I was out feeding on a feast of down to earth, all American calamari (with arugula in a cream sauce) in the Aleutians near Alaska (you can see Russia from there), lesser, insignificant males hauled out on the patriotic, small town values Año Nuevo State Reserve, a bastion of conservative values in the otherwise decadent Northern California coast. A prime example of the scum that’s washed up on shore is the puny, Clairol™using Jon Sealwart. I’m sure his plan is nothing short of furthering the Anti-Alpha agenda, and his liberal treason will not be permitted on my beach. Unless I’m sleeping that day, in which case, touché Sealwart.
As a patriotic Pinniped-American, it is my sworn duty to consume as much as possible whenever possible, and to horde women like real estate to broadcast my social status as brilliant and clear as the chrome on Kanye’s rims. And for all of West’s vociferations, as the Alpha, I routinely use my large nose (called a proboscis for those Liberal Educated Elites) and my loud belching sounds (similar to Kanye’s singing) to intimidate all those who stand in my way, making ME the voice of this generation of this decade. Mostly, with wusses like Jon Sealwart, all I have to do is belch and throw my nose back to chase them off. The French pioneered this move, and I have to say that it’s very effective (with the women too). But Nation, there are those who will think that they can beat us (by us I mean me), and I will have no choice than to engage them in an old-fashioned, bash-them-with-my-head-and-
That's me, needless to say, that little prick woke me up! Ladies, notice my LARGE nose. Photo: Daniel Costa.
This is me, practicing my game face to the researchers. Jon Sealwart, are you ready for THIS? I think not. Photo: Melinda Fowler.
Sleep well Nation, you’re in my caring harem.
- Stelephant T. Colbert
The opinions expressed by Stelephant T. Colbert are his copyright, and all political and societal references expressed above are the sole property of Stelephant T. Colbert, and are not shared by TOPP.org, their affiliates, and invertebrates (like Jon Sealwart).