Patrick Webster at UC Santa Cruz Long Marine Lab, CA--TONIGHT, I, Stelephant Colbert, have returned to the North Point at Año Nuevo State Reserve in Northern California. The Liberal Beta-Male Media doesn’t know what hit it! Next, I will set about reforming the broken harem system within the next hundred days. Look out FDR, my New Deal will shake up America, mostly because I’ve been feeding for the past 6 months. And later, I confront Alby Lockwing, an albatross spokesbird claiming that elephant seals should adopt monogamy. Well I only have one love, Alby, and that’s of myself.

All for one and one for all. A better expression for my family life has never been found. This, is the Colbert Report!

GREAAAGGHHHH* (* Nation) Welcome to the Report. It’s been a while since we last spoke, and we grew distant. Sure, migrating a few thousand miles along the American coast will do that to you, but I’m back as a part of the 2nd annual Elephant Seal Homecoming Days with TOPP.org. And it’s about time, folks, because things have gotten clean around here, and I’m here to muddy this beach up (Just add water).

As you know, there’s a war going on, a war that only an American Beachmeister (German for Colbert) can wage. As a large and in charge alpha-male elephant seal chosen by Tagging of Pacific Predators, www.TOPP.org, I’ve donated my body to science to let them prove my sheer brilliance empirically, and this endeavor has attracted the jealousy and scorn of the Liberal Beta-Male Media. While I was out feeding on a feast of down to earth, all American calamari (with arugula in a cream sauce) in the Aleutians near Alaska (you can see Russia from there), lesser, insignificant males hauled out on the patriotic, small town values Año Nuevo State Reserve, a bastion of conservative values in the otherwise decadent Northern California coast. A prime example of the scum that’s washed up on shore is the puny, Clairol™using Jon Sealwart. I’m sure his plan is nothing short of furthering the Anti-Alpha agenda, and his liberal treason will not be permitted on my beach. Unless I’m sleeping that day, in which case, touché Sealwart.
As a patriotic Pinniped-American, it is my sworn duty to consume as much as possible whenever possible, and to horde women like real estate to broadcast my social status as brilliant and clear as the chrome on Kanye’s rims. And for all of West’s vociferations, as the Alpha, I routinely use my large nose (called a proboscis for those Liberal Educated Elites) and my loud belching sounds (similar to Kanye’s singing) to intimidate all those who stand in my way, making ME the voice of this generation of this decade. Mostly, with wusses like Jon Sealwart, all I have to do is belch and throw my nose back to chase them off. The French pioneered this move, and I have to say that it’s very effective (with the women too). But Nation, there are those who will think that they can beat us (by us I mean me), and I will have no choice than to engage them in an old-fashioned, bash-them-with-my-head-and-

slice-them-with-my-teeth-in-a-purely-masculin-embodiement-of-strength-and-virility duel. Watch the face though, there’s big money in it.
That's me, needless to say, that little prick woke me up! Ladies, notice my LARGE nose. Photo: Daniel Costa.

Nation, there are those males that will contest my authority, undermining the very essence of harem life by stealing one, maybe two of my brides by pretending to be female, a favorite tactic of Jon Sealwart (on his off-time as well). These are the males that feel that diving a mile deep, holding your breath for an hour and a half, feeding on squid in the frigid and temperamental North Pacific, sleeping only in transit, and then defending a beach against invaders continuously for months simply to further your genes, is “difficult” and not a “cozy socialist utopia.” Well there’s only one way to be Alpha, Sealwart, and that’s by living a life no one else wants to live. Take that to heart kids and weeners.This is me, big, and ready to fight after my long five month foraging trip out to Alaska. Again, notice my huge, gnarly, intimidating nose. Photo: Melinda Fowler.

Nation, you may know of my Homo sapiens sapiens colleague Stephen Colbert, DFA. I approve of his words, verbs and prepositions, making me his official Seal of Approval. Stephen is very “name afterable”, and I’d to think that my dad, whoever he may be, was a visionary in the naming process. At 14 feet and 4-6 tons, I’m the original all American muscle car (still waiting on a bail-out) and proud to be part of Stephen’s arc. Continuing his legacy, I generously permitted the TOPP team to place a time-depth recorder, satellite tag and radio tag on my seal (I was jumped when I wasn’t looking). This will allow marine scientists to learn more about the unwelcoming North Pacific, record elephant seal behavior, and track one of the longest migrations in the animal kingdom. Though the TOPP biologists have studied my kind extensively, there are still many mysteries about us, many of which are to be revealed in my tell-all, future New York Times Bestseller I Am A Beachmeister (And No Jon You Cannot).
This is me, practicing my game face to the researchers. Jon Sealwart, are you ready for THIS? I think not. Photo: Melinda Fowler.